Chapter 28

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Translator: Harry Potta
Chapter: 5
Chapter Title: All or Nothing
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“I had hoped you would show more restraint, my dear. You have always been such a docile and obedient child. But it seems I was mistaken. Look at what has happened. Your stubbornness has brought unhappiness to everyone. A fine knight of the house has been wounded, and you, too, have been injured. And that is not all, is it? You have caused others a great deal of worry and concern. Ah, this incident has taught me a valuable lesson: one should not trust in virtues and discretion that are merely superficial. I simply do not know how to curb your willfulness.”

Madame de La Vallière did her utmost to speak with a benevolent expression. She endeavored not to lose her composure or her ladylike grace, and sought to maintain the distinctive elegance she possessed.

I supposed this was precisely why society bestowed upon her such exceptional respect and affection.

“It must have been difficult to resist the temptation. I can well imagine your delight at receiving your first invitation. But you are still unprepared, and utterly ignorant of high society, are you not? Oh, that is not to deny your intelligence, my dear. But see how you have made a fool of yourself. And consider how heartbroken Roena was. She told me she was devastated that she could not help you more.”

When had she gone to Madame de La Vallière to recount the events at the hunting grounds? I could not help but be astonished by her swiftness.

I wanted to reveal that Roena, not I, had been their prey, but seeing the subtle expectation in her eyes, I could not bring myself to speak.

For what Madame de La Vallière desired at that moment was the heartfelt repentance of a foolish girl who had not heeded her words.

Though there was ample room for rebuttal and many points to correct, I resolved to let it all pass. There is nothing more foolish than baring teeth that are not yet fully grown.

“I trust you have learned a great deal from this experience. Therefore, it would be best for you to take a period of quiet reflection to contemplate your foolishness and compose yourself.”

Contrary to what I had braced myself for, Madame de La Vallière’s words were gentler than expected, almost coaxing. As if to mock my folly in anticipating a venomous tirade, she maintained a rather magnanimous and lenient demeanor.

Her self-control was far greater than I had imagined.

Greatly satisfied with this desirable outcome, I left her room.

My mother was greatly displeased that I was to have a period of reflection. However, she was not brave enough to voice her discontent to Madame de La Vallière.

Instead, she tried to soothe her daughter’s heart by visiting my room often to talk, but she occasionally brought unhelpful tidings that left me bewildered.

“Roena is worried you may have been deeply hurt. She told me that she didn’t mean to disrespect you, that she only wanted to help. My dear, what does this mean? I don’t quite understand.”

I suppressed a scornful laugh and listened attentively to my mother. If Roena had truly felt sorry, she would have come to speak with me herself.

But she chose to hide, displaying the cowardice of using another to make me accept her apology.

I squeezed my bewildered mother’s hand and said in a gentle voice.

“It was something of the sort. But it is nothing to worry over. So please, do not trouble your heart with it any longer.”

***

During my period of reflection, I decided to make a small pastime of strolling through the garden. Most people would have confined themselves to their rooms for quiet contemplation, but a few hours of embroidery or reading each day was enough for me.

Meticulously maintained by the gardeners, the Vischwartz estate garden was spacious and scenic, perfect for a walk. The flowers and trees planted throughout were beautifully manicured.

The surrounding ornaments exuded elegance and harmonized perfectly with their setting. I savored the leisure of a slow stroll, pausing to smell the flowers or touch the leaves.

A stroll intended purely for appreciating the scenery, rather than for pleasing Madame de La Vallière, felt more like a reward than a punishment.

I do not know how long I had been walking when I happened to turn my head and saw Sir Halberd approaching. I was so startled I nearly stopped breathing.

The garden path was lined with shrubbery, but not so much as to obscure one’s view, making it easy to see anyone approaching.

Yet I had been completely unaware of his approach, and thus had lost my chance to flee. I could only stare at Sir Halberd as if frozen. Even when our eyes met, he showed no sign of changing his path to avoid me.

Sir Halberd stopped only when he was a stone’s throw from the shrubbery. There was no trace of discomfort in his polite greeting.

I returned his politeness with a customary greeting, all the while wishing he would quickly pass me by and disappear. But he seemed to have no intention of simply moving on, for he continued to speak.

“I heard you were concerned for me. Thank you.”

“No, it is I who should have thanked you sooner. I am grateful once again for your magnanimity in overlooking my rudeness.”

“It is nothing.”

A heavy silence fell. I do not possess Roena’s charming or gentle nature, so I did not know how to speak to him.

In the past, I had never had a normal conversation with Sir Halberd. I had mostly clung to him madly, weeping and raging. Each time, this gentle man would avert his gaze, looking troubled, and politely voice his rejection.

Furthermore, I was now in a period of reflection, required to exhibit the modesty, maturity, and respectable discretion befitting a lady. Thus, the best course of action was to end our encounter with a polite nod that did not breach etiquette.

But Rustein Halberd, the Knight of the Clear Sound, spoke first.

“Do you remember? You told me then, my lady. That I am Lady Roena’s knight. I will not deny those words. Yes, I am the sword of House Vischwartz.”

Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. My limbs felt stiff, my lips parched. I had the urge to cover my ears, afraid of the words that would follow. But his voice was as swift as lightning and as heavy as thunder.

“And so, I am your knight as well.”

Though these were the words I had so longed to hear, strangely, I felt no joy. Instead, I was afraid. I felt as sad and frightened as a deer hunted by a beast of prey.

I struggled to calm my breath, which was threatening to become a gasp from the frantic beating of my heart, and tried to avoid Sir Halberd’s gaze.

My knight as well?

My past self would have been overcome with joy and fainted on the spot. But I now understood that the words ‘as well’ did not mean ‘entirely.’

It invoked the cruel fate of ‘choice,’ proving that Cisse Vischwartz could never be the highest priority in Sir Halberd’s life.

What both my past and present selves wanted was ‘everything.’ Not a part, but the whole. Is it not the nature of a snake to swallow its prey whole? If it cannot be swallowed in one bite, it is better not to accept it at all.

So how could I rejoice at his words? No matter how one coaxes with plausible phrases, the truth cannot be concealed. This was the most terrible catastrophe wrought by the goddess of fate.

“I respect your sincerity, Sir. This incident has shown me how deeply you care for House Vischwartz. But there is no need to reveal such feelings to me. True devotion, even when unseen, always shines as brightly as the stars in the heavens.”

If a sorrowful demeanor could capture his heart, I would have long ago become more delicate than any other lady, weeping in misery day after day.

If elegance possessed the magic to enthrall him, I would have tended to my very fingertips and striven to smile more serenely than anyone.

But what had captured Sir Halberd was a smile as radiant as the sun, an innate loveliness, and a heart of an angel.

The quality of being ‘lovely’ is subjective, and if that was how he felt about Roena Vischwartz, it was better to give up quickly. Though, of course, the pain and torment would linger for a while longer.

“My lady…”

“Sir Halberd, I do not know if you are aware, but there is nothing more frightening than the tongues and stares of others. If you truly have my best interests at heart, will you please allow me to take my leave?”

The foolish Cisse of the past screamed at me.

‘You fool! Why are you throwing away an opportunity like this? When will you, of all people, ever hear such words again?’

The me of the present said to the Cisse of the past.

‘We have seen, heard, and experienced far too much to be intoxicated by such words. Do not forget: it is all or nothing. We never once had all of him.’

Yes, there will be more times ahead when I must repeat this to myself: that Roena’s knight is Rustein Halberd. And I will feel the ache of regret many more times.

But I was now more cautious and considerate, and possessed a wariness of others that needed no reason. Suspicion, in particular, was sure to remain my truest companion, a habit I had deliberately adopted to avoid repeating the tragedies of the past.

That is why I could leave him without any lingering attachment. Just as I was doing now.

I gave another curtsy to the man, who stood silent as if at a loss for words, and then slowly walked away. I could feel his gaze on my back, but I did not once turn around. Resolutely, as if declaring I would entertain no more attachments.