Chapter 5

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Translator: Harry Potta
Chapter: 3
Chapter Title: The Knight I Could Never Have
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Was there any sound more unsettling to Roena than the words, “Actually, you’ve put me in a difficult position”? She had always been on the other side of that equation. That must be why she was so visibly flustered, desperately trying to make excuses.

“A misunderstanding? Who in the world would misunderstand you?”

To be honest, my past self would have been convinced I'd gained the upper hand with that last retort and would have pressed her relentlessly. Having never experienced how Roena could turn the tables on someone, I would have done just that.

But reflecting on my life as Cisse Vischwartz, continuing to argue with Roena in a situation like this was no different from digging my own grave and lying down in it. No matter how it unfolded, the conclusion would inevitably be in her favor. Just as it always had been.

Especially on a day like today, when so many people were on her side. Unfortunately, when it came to a battle of attrition, no one could beat her.

So, rather than trying to seize victory at all costs, it was better to strike at the right moment and withdraw. It was even better if I could leave those remaining with a lingering sense of discomfort. Just like now.

“But Roena, ever since you started crying, everyone’s expressions have soured. Ah, perhaps I’m mistaken about this too? I still don’t know much, so it’s possible. In any case, it’s best we stop talking. It will only add to the heartache.”

I rose from my seat as I spoke. The voice that flowed from my parted lips trembled faintly, a stark contrast to my stoic expression. It was a silent protest, a sign that though I was acting unfazed, I was actually suppressing a great deal of hurt.

“Pardon me, but may I be excused? Please, be so kind as to forgive my rudeness.”

“Are… Are you feeling unwell?”

“No, it just feels like the right thing to do.”

My stepfather accepted my request with an awkward expression.

I glanced at Roena, who looked bewildered, and at everyone else, who seemed to shrink back from the strange atmosphere, and I painted on an awkward smile. Then, as if I could bear it no longer, I scurried out of the dining hall. As if what happened next had nothing to do with me.

According to what I heard from my mother later, Roena was severely scolded by my stepfather after I left.

He pointed out her rudeness in hurting me with her own assumptions, in subtly insulting my lack of noble refinement, and in giving false hope by offering to do “anything” when she couldn’t keep her word.

Then, since she had promised to do anything, she was ordered to send one of her maids to me.

In truth, I was very surprised by this, but I showed no sign of it and simply nodded demurely. My stepfather had kept his promise that not even Roena could treat me carelessly.

It was an act clearly conscious of my mother, a testament to how passionately his feelings for her burned. Oh, the sweetness of a newlywed! Count Vischwartz was truly a man, indeed.

Roena, unused to her stepfather's anger directed at her, reportedly stood there in a daze, unable to even cry.

I could picture it perfectly and stifled a laugh. How often could that foolish girl have been scolded by her stepfather? This incident must have been a real wake-up call for her.

After storming out of the dining hall, I went not to my room but to a small garden with narrow paths. My stomach was in knots from dealing with Roena, and I felt sick.

I had only taken a few steps when the sunlight became so intense that I briefly crouched down, lowering my head.

Suddenly, a shadow fell over me, and someone extended a handkerchief. It was a plain, unembroidered piece of cloth, neatly folded—an unexpected kindness.

Was he suggesting I sit on this?

I looked up to see who the handkerchief belonged to. I was curious, for there should have been no one in the mansion who held any goodwill toward me. Who could show such a beautiful heart?

But I soon came to regret looking up at the handkerchief's owner.

…!

Because he was standing there. The man who had once stolen my entire heart. The man who had been so indifferent to me it was cruel! The knight who had devoted his whole heart to Roena.

Rustein Halberd! The noble Knight of the Clear Sound. You, the sword of the Vischwartz family.

My heart pounded fiercely. My mouth went dry, and my whole body trembled. My legs felt so weak I thought I would collapse.

Why? Why would you give me a handkerchief? You, who never paid even the slightest attention to any woman other than Roena! So why me?

You should have just passed by as you always do. Passed by indifferently, just like you used to.

I bit my lip, desperately concealing the resentment welling up inside me. I averted my gaze, breathing raggedly as my breath caught in my throat. In that moment, I was a mute, a statue. A fool standing there dumbly, unable to say a word.

Just like my past self, repeating the very same behavior of acting like a witless woman, unable to utter a single word in front of him.

***

My past self was a girl who didn't know the meaning of giving up. If there was something I wanted or something I wanted to do, I would try to obtain it by any means necessary.

I never stopped charging forward until I got my way, until I held what I desired in my hands. Even if it meant falling and scraping my knees.

My mother always worried about that side of me. While she was proud of my stubbornness, she was also restless, afraid I would crumble in frustration against the wall of reality.

That was why she often went to great lengths to satisfy my desires, even if it meant enduring her own hunger.

Her marriage to my stepfather, which earned her the misunderstanding that she had seduced him, was also to satisfy my vanity.

She didn't want to pass down to me the life she had lived—a member of a viscount's family who had to sell their title after the previous head gambled away their fortune, a life where she was instantly reduced to a commoner and had to take on all sorts of menial jobs.

As a child, I couldn't comprehend my mother's heart at all. I didn't know what humiliations she had endured to make me a count's daughter. No, I didn't even try to know. I was too busy reveling in the dazzling new life that had opened up before me. I thought only of myself.

Until I began to burn with inferiority toward Roena, I was the happiest girl in the world. Even if they sometimes upset me with their subtle actions, it was immensely satisfying to have the haughty maids of the count's household call me 'Young Miss' and wait on me, to see them bow and scrape at my every word.

I was overjoyed when I would mention wanting a jeweled ring, only to find it on my vanity the very next day.

Delicious food, luxurious dresses, a soft and plush bed, sparkling jewelry, and even handsome knights who called me ‘Lady.’ Everything felt like a dream.

The fact that a life I had only seen in fairy tales had become a reality was so enchanting, it felt like I was walking on clouds.

And so, I was mistaken. I believed my life would always be filled with roses, just as it was then, and that I would lead a happier life than anyone else.

Unfortunately, I was completely unaware that the ground I stood on was not solid earth that could fully support me, but a frozen sea covered in thin ice.

I didn't even realize how foolishly and stupidly I was acting, how immature I was being.

Ironically, it was Rustein Halberd who pulled me out of my sweet dream and back to reality.

It was because of him that I became aware of my inferiority complex toward Roena and realized that others were only treating me out of a sense of duty, not love, and were even laughing at me behind my back.

Rustein Halberd was the first and last person I tried to possess but could never have.

I still remember it. That time when I believed I could have anything if I just wanted it, when I pestered my stepfather to make Rustein Halberd my knight.

That day was truly strange. The potato salad the maid served was so dry it stuck in my throat, and the bread was a bit hard, making my jaw ache with irritation. My knife kept slipping, sending a piece of meat flying to the center of the table, and a mere movement of my arm sent a wine glass crashing down, capturing everyone's attention.

My stepfather frowned at my poor table manners. His gaze held a strong reprimand, as if asking how long I'd been in the count's household and still hadn't learned proper etiquette.

But I was too busy thinking about the handsome knight who would soon be mine to read the look in his eyes; in fact, I was childishly excited. And when the meal was over, I opened my mouth as usual and spouted words that were close to a tantrum.

‘Please let Sir Halberd be my escort. I want to have him. I can do that, right?’

Usually, all I had to do was say the words, and I could have anything. My stepfather tried to grant my every wish so I wouldn't feel intimidated by Roena after joining his family, and my mother also did her best to keep me satisfied. So, I thought I could have him this time as well.

However, my stepfather, who I had fully expected to grant my request as usual, trailed off with a troubled expression, and Roena, with tears welling in her eyes, couldn't lift her head. What followed was a barrage of harsh stares from those around us.

But, lost in my first love, I couldn't understand why they were making such faces or looking at me that way.

‘Why are you all looking at me like that? Does that mean no? Why?’

To my question, my stepfather replied.

‘Sir Halberd is Roena's escort knight.’

‘There are plenty of knights. You can just give Roena another one.’

‘Sir Halberd is different from the other knights. It would be better for you to choose someone else.’

‘No, I want him. It has to be him.’

My stepfather looked at me. It was a cold gaze I had never seen before. I trembled all over at the sight of him looking at me with what was close to fury.

‘Stop acting so childishly. It seems you still haven't realized that you are a member of the count's family.’

In truth, Rustein Halberd was no ordinary knight. He was a genius born of the empire, the representative knight of the Vischwartz family—the very sword of the house.

Therefore, he was not someone that a person like me—not of the stepfather's bloodline, a mere commoner who had yet to learn the etiquette of high society—could dare to covet.

But I knew nothing of that. I didn't know how noble and honorable the knight I coveted was.

Having spent the past half-year since entering the count's household completely absorbed in a life of luxury, indulging in jewels and dresses, there was no way I would have known his value. Nor that the count's family could soar even higher because of him!

Feeling wronged, I opened my mouth to offer an excuse. But at the sight of my stepfather rising from his seat, I couldn't say a word. My mother, without a thought of coming to me, glanced nervously at him before leaving the dining hall. The others did the same.

Left alone in the dining hall, I wrapped my arms around my shoulders against a chill I had never felt before. A deep anxiety washed over my entire body. The cracks had already begun to form.

The maids of the count's household never told me the value of a knight named Rustein Halberd. Even when I asked, ‘Why can't I have him?’, they pretended not to hear and kept their mouths shut. As if I wasn't even worth telling.

So I went to Roena. I went to her and asked her to give him to me. I thought that Roena, known as an angel, would easily grant my request. It was a request I could only make because I didn't know how attached she was to what was hers.